As the Christmas season approaches, the air becomes chillier and anticipation and excitement builds. The festive season is a time of joy, celebration and family get-togethers, particularly for children who eagerly await the magic of Christmas however, for separated parents, it can also be a period of stress and conflict, particularly when there is no clear plan in place for when children will spend time with each parent.
The Christmas period can become challenging and emotionally charged and something which can fill parents with dread. Navigating this time of year can be incredibly difficult.
Many families are able to put aside their differences at this time and work together to make sure that their children can enjoy the festive season with both parents and also their extended family members. At Thornton Jones, we understand how difficult it is to reach an agreement with someone who does not necessarily agree with your way of thinking or your vision.
Both parents have the same right to see their children but there is no law in place that guarantees either parent the right to have their “turn” at Christmas. There is no automatic right for you to see your children on special occasions unless, of course, there is a Court Order already in place which specifically deals with such special occasions.
Common Co-parenting Issues Which Arise Over Christmas
The three most common issues which arise over Christmas when trying to arrange time with your children are:
- Agreeing the practical arrangements for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, and New Year. Where your children be on which days and for what time periods can often cause tension and disagreements between parents.
- Formalising handover places and times. Agreeing where your children will be picked up from or dropped off, as well as the times for these exchanges can become contentious.
- Making and agreeing on the arrangements for you and your children to see wider family members.
How to Navigate Co-parenting During Christmas
Unless you have made the decision to spend Christmas together, your children cannot be in two places at once. There will therefore need to be a level of compromise. Be flexible and accommodating, whilst maintaining the children’s emotional stability. The considerations of the children should be taken into account, however you should not ask young children to make the choice themselves, this is putting too much pressure on them as children, but you should ask them their views. These are, so to speak, their arrangements after all. Keeping children informed about the arrangements their parents have agreed for them can also relieve any anxiety they may have and will allow them to enjoy the festivities without worry. You should consider the children’s needs when making plans, bearing in mind their routines, preferences and desires etc. Focus on creating a sense of stability and consistency for them, even if it means compromising on certain aspects.
Your first step should be to open up a line of communication with the other parent from a position of cooperation and conciliation – it will make decisions much easier. Remember: text messages and emails are not always the best way to communicate as the tone can be misinterpreted. Try to communicate with the other parent face-to-face if possible or, for example, via video call. There are also various parenting apps out there which aid in communication between parents.
You should plan in advance. This is to prevent any last-minute stress and/or confusion and sends a clear message to the children that both parents are on the same page. This will help prevent conflicts and disappointments later on.
What Co-parenting Options Do We Have Over Christmas?
One option is to split the three Christmas days i.e. the children spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with one parent and change at midday. The children then spend the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day with the other parent. You could agree to alternate this each year.
Another option is to agree to have the children for one full week each. As most school holidays are no shorter than two weeks, some parents agree that their children will spend the first week with one parent and the second week with the other parent. This could mean that the children spend Christmas with one parent and New Year with the other parent. Again, you could agree to alternate this arrangement each year.
The third option is to have two Christmas’. This is a less popular option, and quite an old-school option, but one which enables the children to have a Christmas Day with each parent. This is where a nominated day, before or after Christmas Day – possibly Boxing Day – is used by one of the parents to have their own Christmas celebrations with the children. As with options one and two above, you could agree to alternate this option each year too.
What Should I Do Is There Is No Agreement in Place for Where My Children Will Spend Christmas?
If direct discussions reach an impasse when attempting to agree the Christmas arrangements for your children, Mediation can provide a neutral ground to explore possible solutions. With the help of a trained Mediator, separated parents can work towards a plan that focusses on the happiness and well-being of their children. By focusing on the best interests of the children and working together towards a mutually acceptable solution, parents can ensure that the festive season is a time of joy and celebration for everyone.
Your next step should be to contact a Family Mediator. Please consider doing so as soon as possible to ensure that there is enough time for the process to take place prior to the Christmas period.
Although there are no strict rules over who pays for Family Mediation, it is typical for all costs to be shared equally. Your Family Mediator will set out the costs for Mediation at the outset so that you are aware of how much the mediation process will cost. The fees for mediation will vary depending on whether you are seeking mediation services for financial matters only, mediation services for children’s matters only, or mediation services for all matters. The costs for mediation will also be dependent upon the number of mediation sessions required to reach an outcome.
For eligible parties, vouchers towards the cost of mediation are available up to the value of £500 (claimed by the mediator on your behalf and apply only where discussions around child arrangements are required) through the Government’s Family Mediation Voucher Scheme.
A 2020 survey undertaken by the Family Mediation Council showed that “Mediation is successful in over 70% of cases”. This means that in over 70% of cases, separating and divorcing couples were able to reach an outcome through the use of Family Mediation and without the need to take their matter through the expensive, stressful, and time-consuming Court process.
The Three Main Benefits to Family Mediation
Mediation has several advantages over Court litigation. It allows you to maintain control of the decision-making process which can be particularly beneficial when dealing with sensitive issues such as child arrangements, especially over the Christmas period. Mediation also encourages cooperation and communication, which can help to improve the long-term relationship between parents, ultimately benefitting the children. The goal is not to win but to reach a solution that works for everyone.
Notwithstanding the many advantages that Mediation offers, the main three are as follows:-
- Costs – Costs are far less than you would expend if you were in Court proceedings
- Timescales – Timescales are significantly shorter than if you were in Court proceedings
- Outcome – The outcome is more likely to stand the test of time as it will have been reached directly between you and not by a third party i.e. a Judge who has made a decision that ultimately neither parent is happy with
The government have, for some time now, been running a voucher scheme to help towards the cost of joint Mediation sessions relating to child arrangements. This voucher is a one/off payment of up to £500.00 i.e. £250.00 per parent. This voucher can be used towards the first joint Mediation session, which then leaves a much lower balancing payment to be made, making Mediation an even more cost-effective way forward, especially in the run-up to the expensive Christmas period.
Using an experienced and qualified Mediator will assist you in reaching the best solutions for your family. The aim is to successfully establish arrangements that prioritise the well-being of your children (not just during the Christmas period). If you can do that, even if you find you are compromising with someone you dislike or are giving up your own personal views to help your children, you are doing the right thing!
BLOG: What is Alternative Dispute Resolution in Family Law?
Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) provides a variety of methods which can be used to resolve family disputes outside of going to Court. ADR aims to save parties time and money, reduce animosity between parties, as well as creating a more personalised outcome for families who are going through a stressful time, such as going through a divorce, dividing finances and assets, or child related issues.
A Blog by Jane Auty. Partner and Head of Family Law.
Need help with Child Arrangements this Christmas?
Our team at Thornton Jones is here to assist. If you need help and advice in agreeing and formalising child arrangements at Christmas then call us today.
☎️ Call our Wakefield office on 01924 290 029
☎️ Call our Garforth office on 0113 246 4423
☎️ Call our Sherburn in Elmet office on 01977 350 500
☎️ Call our Mapplewell office on 01226 339 009
☎️ Call our Ossett office on 01924 586 466
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